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 nihilist rant for great catharsis 
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Post nihilist rant for great catharsis
i will get this out of the way once and for all. some people might call me negative for it, some might repudiate me for it, and many won’t like this, but i need to get it out of my system before it starts to fester again, as the times in which it has done so have not been pleasant, and have caused great amounts of emotional pain and distress which i do not wish to see repeated ever again. if anyone does not want to read about my negativity, then do not read this text. if anyone still reads this, but feels the need to deride me or it, they can well and truly go fork themselves, since this is something i write to preserve my own mental composure.

many know that i consider myself something of a nihilist, although perhaps not in the proper sense of the word, maybe closer to an absurdist, but i understand too little to say for sure. in any case, the crux of the matter is, i have for some time been an extremely depression-prone individual, for various reasons, and suffer from frequent existential crises. after a recent and extremely jarring event (mentally and emotionally, although it can be said that those categories both stem from the same root), the nature of which is personal and will not be discussed, and which arose partially from (or at least was situationally triggered by) the effects on my behaviour of my combined nihilism, depression, angst and the life experiences that induced them, i set out to attempt the task of “fixing” myself, at which i have been moderately successful so far. however, one of the roots of the problem was my own “negativity”, so to speak. it is about this negativity that i will now ramble. there is a very simple and undeniable fact, that no matter how much i might try, or how much i might mask it, will NOT change without a massive shift in my internal biochemistry, and possibly even the physical make-up of my brain, and that fact is that, warranted or not, and for my own reasons, i hold a deep resentment towards life, and in a way towards reality itself. actually, let’s not sugar-coat it: i hate existing. my default state, for many reasons, even though i lead an extremely fortunate life in terms of standards of living and, to a degree, health, is one of displeasure. it is something that has become a part of my personality, and all i can do about it is try not to be an obnoxious asshole about it, as i have done in the past, which has resulted in me hurting people i care about, and in the process hurting myself.

now, this might leave people thinking that i do not enjoy anything. this could not be farther than the truth. if you’ll excuse the tautology, i do enjoy the things i enjoy, so to speak. i am perfectly capable of feeling happiness, love, mirth, calm, and all manner of positive emotions. in fact, i frequently do. however, my everpresent nihilism and resulting existential doubt often leads me to “burn out” the activities i enjoy. part of this, which is also my fault in many ways, is my lack of responsibilities and set routines. i do not care about myself, as i loathe the very fact that i am alive, free and directionless (while at the same time i consider the illusion of free-will and self-determination to be the most precious attribute available to any self-aware individual), therefore i do not function optimally when left unsupervised, and soon stop deriving enjoyment from my usual sources. my preferred method of finding a direction for myself is utilizing other people as a focus point. this is one of the main reasons for my choosing to try to help people, as additionally i require this social contact in order to stay internally balanced. ironically, i tend to have low tolerance for other human beings, leading to my being intensely asocial, itself another source for my depressive episodes, as it limits my contact with other people. nevertheless, when i engage in “favorable” interaction with other humans, mostly through shared interests (of which i do not have that many with most people), i am temporarily content, until such a time until i am alone again.

nevertheless, even this social contact that gives me contentment is ephemeral, and it is not something that can be sustained indefinitely. eventually, i lapse into my old patterns and my default state of angst. i have since learned to regulate my resulting behaviour, but the source of my prior negativity continues to plague me, although by now it does little except make me cranky. on occasion however, i have particularly strong episodes, such as the one that prompted this text. negativity is a strong part of my psyche, although i recognize that is in part my fault for letting it set in. trying to suppress an important proportion of one’s personality is not a pleasant experience, and even though it might make me more agreeable in the short-term, the shit that rots and festers inside does not disappear, as i have done little myself except take away its main outlet, that being my behaviour. this is the reason i am writing this, as a rational and constructive way of unloading some of the baggage that accumulates in my head. it calms me, and prevents me from letting my issues take hold of my behaviour. where a few hours ago i wanted nothing more than to rip my own head off, i will now presumably be able to function more efficiently for a time. i know perfectly well that these are not happy or positive statements, but i will simply state the pure truth: i am bitter, i am cynical, and i hate life, and if i repress that, it only comes back with greater intensity, therefore i air the metaphorical dirty laundry of my brain in order to have a clear head with which to think. interpret it however you will.

curious how cathartic writing can be... now let's see if my posting this publicly brings some interesting human interaction...

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"When I die, they will put my body in a box and dispose of it in the cold ground. And in all the million ages to come, I will never breathe, or laugh, or twitch again. So won't you run and play with me here among the teeming mass of humanity? The universe has spared us this moment."


Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:36 pm
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Post Re: nihilist rant for great catharsis
I'm rubbish at psychology. But can I post a picture to cheer you up?

Image

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Sun Aug 21, 2011 3:25 am
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Minister of Propaganda
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Joined: 11.2010
Posts: 1267
Location: Buenos Aires
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Post Re: nihilist rant for great catharsis
wrong. the hitler is not nazi enough and the monster is actually shopping for porn.

i'm ok now though, but i wasn't before i wrote the OP. just my regular overload/release phase, so to speak

_________________
"When I die, they will put my body in a box and dispose of it in the cold ground. And in all the million ages to come, I will never breathe, or laugh, or twitch again. So won't you run and play with me here among the teeming mass of humanity? The universe has spared us this moment."


Sun Aug 21, 2011 3:33 am
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